our lady of angels
an atheist walks into a church…
The first sin I should’ve owned up to was laziness. Sloth. There I was sitting in a church pew in my favorite white dress - my only white dress- that hadn’t seen the inside of a washing machine since I wore it to dinner on the Santa Monica pier last summer. California left a tiny little heart-shaped carbonara stain under my left breast and it’s been there so long it’s probably permanent now.
I steamed out the wrinkles of its lace hem in the hopes that wearing a little white number would bring me closer to the Virgin Mary, if not any closer to god. Is it blasphemous for a heretic to go to Confession? I didn’t want to insult anyone so I didn’t ask.
Anyways, this wasn’t Father Kevin’s first rodeo. I’m sure he’d been called on to save a wretch greater than me. Not like I was trying to pull a fast one on Jesus or manipulate the system or anything like that. Simple truth is my friends are too busy to care and therapy is just a Ponzi scheme and 12 step programs are 11 steps too many and the monastery I looked into is too damn far.
I was unraveling in that pew. Practicing my lines, arranging my body like this. Then like that. Crossing my legs. Uncrossing my legs. A woman three rows ahead chewed on peanuts pulled from an oily brown bag. My discomfort rising with each shell absentmindedly tossed to the church floor- a sin greater than any I’d committed, if you ask me. You really can’t escape disorder and the grotesque. Even here.
Father Kevin laughed when I made the sign of the cross with the wrong hand. First time, his warm eyes asked. Yes, my dumb head nodded back.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been over thirty years since my last confession. I should start by telling you I have not received communion, haven’t even been baptized. I’m not even Catholic. But I’ve seen enough Soprano’s to know this is how Carmela did it.”
“She spent a lot of time in the confessional in season one, didn’t she? But I do have to warn you before you begin. I can’t offer you any penance or absolution from your sins, but I can listen.”
And Father Kevin did listen. He listened long enough to realize what I’d known all along.
Absolution, penance - none of that would do. Some people just need a good old fashioned exorcism instead.
******reminder for my fellow NY’ers*****
join
, , , and I for a night of reading and probably some tears on Sunday June 15 at Night Club 101. on this Fathers Day, leave your daddy issues behind and come hang with us instead.exorcisms in the back with a 2 drink minimum.
Now that, that right there, was funny as hell Sudana. I'm with you on the peanut shells on the floor by the way. There's a restaurant chain called Texas Roadhouse that serves peanuts free at every table, they encourage it, and it drives me nuts. Sorry, that was too easy. - Jim
I was raised catholic and have no love for the church, but the eating peanuts like she's at a baseball game is something else. If the story ended with that lady getting hit by a bolt of lighting, it might actually make me believe in god.